October 24, 2013

To Blog or Not To Blog

Lately I've been thinking about not blogging anymore.

I already barely blog now as it is. And when I do, it feels more out of obligation than passion. When I first started this thing, I was obsessed with it. I was constantly fiddling with the format, thinking up post ideas, getting super jazzed on new ways to wear things. The outfit post aspect really inspired me to push the limits of my wardrobe, which was awesome because I'm not financially able to shop much and because I am extremely into personal style. It was invigorating. I think I maintained the initial excitement for the first year easily, maybe year and a half. But the last year has been tough. Lots of difficult things have flooded my personal life, my love life, my family life, my professional life. It's been a shit show. And while most of that stuff is on the mend and clearly getting better, it's been a huge energy zap. Factor into this I'm writing a novel, the completion of which is hands down the most important thing in my life right now, and is also incredibly time-consuming.

I paint, and I write, and I dress creatively, and I'm obsessed with interior design, and I craft. My creative endeavors span a wide berth. But with this book, I've learned that my creative juices do not flow infinitely. There's a limit. I just can't focus so wholly on such an immense project as the novel, and still have room left over to maintain regular blog posts.

But is it something else too? I'm aware that in the last year I have been depressed. I'm depressed in the sad way, but mostly I'm depressed in the I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything way. Motivation has been a struggle. Clothes give me joy, but when you're depressed, you don't want joy. You want pain, and sadness, and bleakness. You want it. You can lie in bleakness and be still, which is about all a depressed person really feels like doing. Joy just seems so exhausting. Joy makes a depressed person tired just to think about it.

That depression is ending for me now, I think. And oddly with its end, comes with more clarity thoughts of ending the blog. I've been holding on to this thing with little fervor, fighting thoughts of quitting, feeling somehow like I need to blog to prove that I'm still trucking forward. Maybe now that I don't feel like I have to truck forward anymore, I feel less attached to it. Does that make sense? When you feel yourself slipping under something dark and heavy, you sometimes hold onto things that remind you of the light, and sometimes you do that to prove that everything is okay even when it isn't. My own signs of depression are subtle because I do this holding-on thing with massive determination. I refuse to go down! What my half-ass attempts on this blog in the last year say about that, I don't know.

I got a new job today. That was the big thing. That was the major thing that had to happen before I could be okay again. And it happened. Already I can feel the veil lifting, feel the immense changes that will follow this one seemingly simple change. At my new job, I can't wear fun clothes. My work clothes will be definitively un-fun. I will only be able to wear fun clothes on my days off, and maybe after work sometimes if I'm going out or something, which I'll be able to afford a little more often. At the job I'm leaving, I can wear pretty much whatever I want. I can have a field day with it. Most of the outfits that have appeared on this blog since its inception have been things I wore to work. Now my wardrobe will function completely differently, and maybe that could actually breathe new life into the blog rather than suffocate it. Maybe rather than a daily obligation, it could be a deliberate treat, to be able to wear something unique and weird and colorful and personal.

Maybe, I don't know. This isn't my farewell letter, because even now I still don't know what to do with this thing. You want to hear something utterly ridiculous that sums up my decision-making habits? One of the biggest reasons I am reluctant to quit the blog now is because I finally love my layout and my header. I love it. I haven't wanted to fiddle with anything since I made it. And now that I'm totally satisfied with how my blog looks, it seems like a giant waste to quit blogging. When I was with my ex, and our relationship had fallen to absolute shit, and I was miserable with him, I would look around our apartment which I loved so much, and I would actually think, I don't want to break up because I would have to move out of this apartment. I'm aware of how dumb that is. But I don't feel dumb about it, because I also know that the apartment isn't the real reason I didn't want to break up yet, just like my blog header isn't the real reason why I don't want to give up blogging yet.

I'm not sure quite what to do. Everything is about to change. My life is about to change. My new chapter is finally about to start, and I might want to share it with you guys. Or at least what I wore.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and you're beautiful.

2 comments:

  1. Fact: Last night I got a malware warning on my blog and thought it was over. I fixed it (I think) with tons of scanning, zapping, and swearing, BUT I wasn't as freaked about it as I thought I would be. Hm. Like the time I lost tons of photos and shoots on my memory stick. I'm still going, I like doing little videos and sharing them.
    I'm curious what you'll do but blogging shouldn't be draining. You have such a full creative life already. I like stopping by and would miss you. Will you still be here next time? Congrats on your new job!!! Now that you are restricted in your job-wear maybe you'll go super crazy on your off time?...

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  2. Congrats on the job! I really hope it is the first in a string of changes for the best for you. I love reading your blog even if it is only on an occasional basis (an arrangement which seems perfectly sensible to me as a reader, even though bloggers are always apologizing for irregularity in post frequency). I wish you much happiness ahead, whatever you decide, and will miss you if you decide no more.

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